Dear Jean:

I am sixteen years old, and I have my driver's permit. I am also trying to get a job for the summer. My mother will not allow me to practice driving, and she says I will not be allowed to get my license until I am 18. I am frustrated about this, since I am at the age where most of my friends are driving, and it would be more convenient for me if I could drive myself to work. I know my mother doesn't trust me, but she really has no reason not to. She hasn't even given me a chance! How can I express my frustration and help her to realize the importance of my getting my license without her getting angry and snapping at me about it?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I can understand your frustration at your mother's caution around your driving at 16. Not only would it be more convenient for you, as you say, to drive to work, but also getting your driver's license is seen as a kind of "rite of passage" in the culture, and the age has been set at 16 for some kind of reason, so it's hard to have a parent who is apparently more cautious than the average.

I guess you can't help but feel that your mom doesn't trust you, but you know, it's just possible that something else is involved. For instance, the major cause of death and injuries among young people is automobile accidents. That's a very sobering statistic for parents to deal with! Perhaps your mom feels that the age is set too young in the society generally; maybe she'd advocate for making the age of driving 18 or above for everyone, not just for you.

We now know that the adolescent brain is still developing, right through adolescence, and that's not the view we used to have. We used to think basically all of the adult traits were "in" in the brain by age 13 or even earlier. My point is that adolescents do not yet possess all of the capabilities and skills that they will possess when they're past 21. While teens are actually better than adults at some things, their social and emotional development is still going on, so they are not yet prepared to make mature judgments in the more difficult areas, and they tend still to be driven by their emotions. The latter quality could mean real trouble on the road, as you may imagine.

So, as a parent, perhaps your mom is thinking of some of these things when she says no driving until you're 18. Perhaps, in other words, she's just trying to save your life!

On the other hand, she cannot protect you from all dangers, no matter what she does, and you could be as easily hurt by a friend in whose car you might be riding, as by an accident you could get into when you yourself were driving.

I think the only hope of helping your mom change her mind is to talk to her as calmly and rationally as you can. You might ask her to tell you her reasons, when the two of you are both feeling good, so you can understand where she's coming from. Really listen to what she says and give her the benefit of the doubt. Then, ask her what, if anything, would make her feel more comfortable about allowing you to drive sooner than 18.... Is there any rule or any provision that would make her feel less frightened about your safety? What if, for example, you had extended practice -- more than is strictly required for getting your license, perhaps with a professional instructor? What if you abided by a rule that said that you could not drive friends your own age in the car (I know that's harsh, but you're bargaining here for something your mom can grant or withhold, and you most likely will not get everything you want)?

This might relieve her mind about your getting emotionally overstimulated by the friends and making a mistake on the road. What if you yourself actually obtained the statistics about the cause of accidents for young people and discussed them with your mom? - because, as I recall them, the numbers indicate that there is a high rate of accidents into the early 20's, so it's more a matter of individual safe practices than age per se. To find the stats, start with:
http://www.youthwork.com/generalstats.html

Another possibility you might want to explore is engaging with your mother in the "I Promise" program, in which the car you will drive is labelled with a phone number observers can call if you are driving dangerously. (Note that both teen and parent promise to drive safely, in this program.)

Good luck.... You can't "make" her see or understand anything, but if you talk with her like an adult, she's much more likely to feel that you have developed your judgment to the place where maybe you could be trusted to drive a car, than if you complain and cry to her like a kid.

P.S. - Re your mother's becoming angry and "snapping" at you: again, the tone with which you approach her may make a difference. It's also possible that your mom needs to remember not to "make you wrong" for asking for something that she's not yet ready to grant. "Everyone gets to make a request; everyone is free to grant or deny the request." -- that's a principle of "Assertiveness" training that may come in handy.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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