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Dear Jean: Jean responds: Hi, Of course you want everyone to get along, and it's a shame that your wedding plans are being upset by your parents' anxieties and critical stance and your future husband's and in-laws' reactions. You can't blame your parents for worrying that their future son-in-law doesn't have a job, but as you say, you yourself recognize the need for him to have work before you marry. If you've expressed to your parents exactly how much suffering they are causing you with their continual criticisms of your boyfriend, even knowing that you won't marry him until he has a job, then I'm not sure there is a lot left to do, unless you're prepared to go to the wire with them: refusing their participation in your wedding (which means they wouldn't be helping to pay for it, I guess). One thing you may not have said that might help is this: that you have chosen this man to be your husband if and when he gets work. And so their criticisms of HIM are disrespectful of YOU. They don't have to love him, but they should, in my view, act respectfully towards him and you because you love him. You might also ask your parents if they have other concerns about your fiance that are not being voiced; are they dumping all their anxiety into this one issue? If they do have other concerns, then try to listen to them respectfully. You have the final choice, it's your life, and if you've listened respectfully and still believe your man to be the right choice for you, then tell them that. If they can't hear these attempts to honor their concerns while at the same time reserving your right to make the final decision, then I'm not sure what else you can do--do you have an older relative or clergy who might talk some sense into them? Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
I'm getting married. My mom and dad keep putting my boyfriend
down because he hasn't found a job yet. I try to tell them that
it's hard for him because he quit school at 16; he is now 24,
and the job opportunities in his State have decreased, but they
won't listen to me. All they think about is him having a job
and a car... I love him and I want to marry. I told him I wouldn't
marry him until he gets a job and they know that... so why are
they so worried about it? My boyfriend's mom is mad at my mom
and my boyfriend is too because she won't get off his back....
I just want everyone to get along. What should i do?