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Hi My father is a nice person but when he is angry he really gets crazy and can be verbally abusive to us all. I know I am not perfect and can probably be a pain but I never try to intentionally anger either one of my parents....I know this message is getting long so out of the several problems I think are involved I'd like to discuss the money and responsibility... They say I am irresponsible....don't help around the house....waste my money....and am a spoiled brat (which I think is funny because someone had to have spoiled me first)....but honestly I want to be a better person and I don't want to be any of those things....With my kind of job I cannot afford to pay any one of those bills by themselves let alone together. When I do offer they do not take the money. And my mom does so many of the jobs around the house...and does them her way....that I often do not know what they want done until they are yelling at me about it. I know they have their own problems and my friends have problems too...but they do not seem to go through this with their parents...anytime I tell my parents this they say that they are not their parents, however they have no problem turning that around and asking if my friends act the way I do or do the things I do. Like I said the school is expensive and the people are rich (we are average) so this may add to the problem....maybe these things are just a drop in the bucket to my friends' parents and maybe this angers mine ....I do not know....I just feel like I have a lot of my own responsibilities that I handle well....like school.. grades..a job...(which most of my friends' parents say is enough for them)...I know I can have an attitude but I'm not rebellious...I have good friends and I've never been in any sort of real trouble....I feel like the things that are important to me go unappreciated...the way I see it...I would give up the cell phone ...but they want to call me every time I'm out... Jean responds: Hi, Gosh, you do sound very responsible and hard-working. I think your parents must be very proud of you, basically. But parents have their own problems, and sometimes these problems get in the way of their remaining patient with and emotionally understanding of their teens. For some reason, and it's not apparent to me why, your parents seem to believe that you are not helpful enough. The way you report this makes me believe that their objections can come just "out of the blue," when they're in a bad mood or something, or maybe when you're asking something from them. In any case, I'd suggest that you talk to your parents WHEN YOU AND THEY ARE FEELING GOOD, about this problem. Try to tell them that you want to be as helpful as you can be with both your expenses and stuff around the house, and that you need to discuss with them EXACTLY how and in what areas they want you to contribute. Come to an agreement that works for all of you and write it down and post it on the frig or something, so everyone can remember what was agreed upon. In the same conversation, or another time, perhaps it would help to tell your dad that his rages are hurting you. Verbal abuse has been found to have significant deleterious effects on people, especially on children and teens. At a time when you are not sure of how well you are doing in your progression to adulthood, you need patience, support, and respect from your parents (as well as reasonable limits), not verbal tirades that tear down your self esteem. If your father is not sure whether he can control his outbursts, maybe he could be helped by consulting the family doctor, who may be able to determine whether your father is experiencing a clinical depression or other medical problem that can be treated. You could perhaps open the discussion with your parents by asking them to read this email. They also can write to me, of course, and I'll be happy to respond to them as soon as I can. If nothing seems to help, or you're afraid to approach your parents for such a discussion, find an adult to talk to who might be able in turn to talk to your parents--perhaps a counselor at the school, if there is one, or someone in the extended family or a member of the religion you practice who can hear your concerns and help you address them with your parents. Above all, remember that you are not bad. You know this, inside. Don't lose sight of that. Your parents may be under a lot of pressure, and they may at times take it out on you, which is unfair. That's a problem of theirs and it affects you, but remember when someone is yelling at you abusively that they are NOT seeing reality. Hope this helps a little. Jean. Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's
response to your question is |
some trouble with my parents but my father especially.
I attend a very prestigious Catholoc high school wich was my
choice...while my other older friends chose (some may say the
easy way out) a less difficult school. I'm in the top 20% and
a member of the National Honor Society and leaders club and am
currently waiting for responses from colleges. I have a lot going
on and I have a job which is babysitting Friday nights and Saturday
evenings for more than most babysitters would make. Most Saturday
morinings are filled with volunteering for these clubs. I feel
that I have a lot of responsibilities and handle them well...although
my father does not. I know that it is difficult to pay for my
school and my brother's (a Catholic grammar school) also...they
also pay for my cell phone, car insurance, and gas (only because
my father has a business which has a monthly tab at a specific
gas station)...I however gave up a sweet sixteen party and worked
all summer of sophomore year to pay for a car (which many friends
recieved for free with many other things).