Dear Jean:
I'm about to turn 16 and my parents still impose abedtime for me. Is that normal? None of my friends have a bedtime, and I don't tell anybody about this, because I know they WILL make fun of me. Of course, when I tell my mom to be reasonable about this, she starts screaming at me and tells me that its becasue she's tired, and doesn't want me to stay up longer than her, which is around 10 PM....sometimes even on weekends. How can I possibly explain to her that this is my life she's controlling, and she shouldn't be? I have to go to sleep even if I'm not tired. She also embarrasses me in front of my friends who come to sleep over. Like this one time when she came to see us and she shut down the lights. We couldn't even talk, because she said it was too late. It was 11 PM. I don't know if it's me overreacting about this, or if it's her. I seriously need some help and someone to help me convince her that I'm not a small kid anymore. Sincerely...anon.

Jean responds:

Hi, Anon,
Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

Yes, I can understand how embarrassed you would be by your mother's need to control your bedtime. She seems to feel afraid, from what you report, that if you are up later than she is (or if you and friends staying over are up later), that something bad will happen. I would think it a good idea to find a counselor to talk to the two of you about her fears, and perhaps help reassure her that you are able to manage your behavior responsibly even though she may be asleep.

If there is a counselor at school, you might think of talking with him or her. If there is not, you might call a youth services or family services agency near you, explain your predicament, and see if they would help intervene with your mom.

I don't think it's you; it sounds like it's her problem. But her problem impacts on you. You need someone there with you who can help you talk to her. Find someone at school or church/temple who can in turn help you find someone to talk with you and your mom. If you think it might help, you could also print out this answer and share it with her, or give her the URL of this site and let her know she can write me her own letter.

Good luck. I know it's not easy being a teen.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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