Dear Jean:

I'm a seventeen year old female with a very over-protective grandmother (I live with her). Most of the time she will only let me go to the mall, a movie, or out to eat. On occasion I will get to stay out until 10 and sometimes I have to be home at 9, and this is on weekends. When I try to talk to her she will not listen. It's like it's her way or no way at all. Sometimes she'll even make it harder for me to go out if I try to talk to her about it.

I feel like I'm being suffocated... I know I am very mature for my age and I always do things to show it. I even had to be like a parent to her recently when she was very sick and I also have to clean up all of my 19 year old brother's messes because he does NOTHING, yet, he gets everything--freedom, clothes, money, cars, etc. I also make practically straight A's and she has even said I'm the easiest, best, and most mature child she has raised.

My question is - How do I get her to listen to me when I explain why I should have more freedom and why I'm mature enough to be able to go to parties without parents and have a later curfew and what do you think are reasonable rules for a 17 year old? I've thought about writing a letter to her because it seems like the only way to get my point across and be heard. What do you think?

Please respond. I really don't want to spend this summer like my last one where I was stuck at home all the time while my friends were out having fun and meeting new people. Thank you.

Jean responds:

Hi,
It sounds as if you are indeed in a very difficult situation. I'm sure you know that your grandparent is doing what she does out of love for you, based on her fear of a teenage girl's vulnerability in this world of ours. However, it sounds as if she is in danger of suffocating you and actually retarding your ability to take responsibility for your own conduct by almost never giving you the chance to prove that you can manage some freedom. Teens your age need increasing freedoms, so in fact they can learn how to manage their own behaviors.

There are a lot of Q&A's in the Archives on this very subject. Why not find a few and print them out, to append to your letter to her. You can find them by tying topic words like - freedom, independence, limits, identity - into the Search box and clicking on Search. You are also free, of course, to print out this email message and also to invite your grandmother to write me her own letter.

Exact limits/privileges for a teen depend on individual capacity and behavior, as well as on conditions in the community, etc., but here's a thumbnail guide to stimulate discussion, hopefully, with your grandmother about what may be considered appropriate freedoms for a 17 year old girl:

- freedom to go places with groups of peers of both sexes, or one or two other peers of same sex, for hours at a time on occasion, or everyday for smaller periods of time

- freedom to earn one's driver's license and to use the car at certain times and for a certain duration

- freedom to stay out in the evening until at least the community curfew time, as long as school work is at a passing level, with time-limited, reasonable consequences if the curfew is exceeded

- freedom to participate with parents or caregivers in making the rules for one's conduct and in deciding what consequences will follow breaking those rules

- freedom to break the rules occasionally, so long as one is willing to accept the consequences

- freedom to choose one's friends

- freedom to manage academic responsibilities, one's school life, on one's own, so long as teen is passing all subjects with at least average grades

- freedom to arrange one's room as one prefers

- freedom to decide what to wear, how to dress, how to present oneself

- freedom to keep some things private: letters, telephone conversations, diaries, etc.

- freedom to communicate with peers on the telephone for any period of time that does not inconvenience others in the home

- freedom to decide how to spend allowance or other monies, if any, given to or earned by the teen, though there may be requirements around certain expenses being met

You'll notice that I do not include "freedom to attend parties where parents will not be present." I don't believe teens can handle this freedom well; there is too much access to booze and drugs in our society. I think your grandmother is acting responsibly if she insists that parties you attend need parents in the home.

It strikes me as totally unfair and unreasonable for you to be required to pick up after your older brother.

Good luck. Feel free to write back if you think I can help.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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